I found the enclosed letters last Thursday while walking home from work. No names have been changed.

Dear Bunny,
Yesterday we named her the UberVegan. The Uber-part comes from the curiously strong cigarettes she smokes. She doesn’t only smoke them but from what we can see she has a machine to stuff them herself.
Then we rode our bikes past the parking lot where she works and threw eggs at her. Abe and I kept yelling Give us an Uber! Give us an Uber! She came out of her guardhouse and shook her fist madly in our direction. She may have yelled something but we didn’t stick around to hear what she had to say.

Bunny, I think you were there a week ago when we tried to walk past her guard house and she invited us in and all she talked about was not eating meat and being kind to animals. Abe got real bored fast. We both did.

Abe got to use the ‘cigarette roller’ and he didn’t pack them so well so he was all ash-in’ all over and not using the ashtray. But he was trying not to use the ashtray ‘til the last minute.

Finally she told us we had to go. Abe learned how to pack them and an ash the length of his cigarette that fell on some papers that were important or something. She told us not to walk through again so we’ve been spying on her ever since. She does this little dance you do when youre happy. She looks like a cross between a Pterodactyl and a mating rabbit.

The shelters have been full. We got guys on two cots that don’t get up in the morning so we got to get dressed around them. People been kicking the cots to wake them shits up but good ol’-What’s -her -name is making them stop. I forgot what you called her but she’s been writing people up ‘cause them shits always be in the way in the morning.

I think that if you were here with us and not incarcerated you’d be laughing with us. But you’re in jail like a dumbass. That cop: it’s his fault. Remember we were running and you dropped your brown bag and I said You’re gone need that brown bag and there was the cop. And he busted you for littering and public drunkenness and something else. What was that?

All right I’m tired and you’re gonna kill me if you don’t get this letter. Try not to smile or talk too much.

See you in a week or so

Love

Pumkinhead FussFuss (Bubbles)


Dear James,
You sent your letter and the entire cellblock has given to calling me “Bunny”. I want to die because the queen of the ward whose name is Betty is also a vegan and a menthol smoker. Betty works in the mailroom and while she had me pinned to the floor she demanded to see the next letter I send you. So I gave one of the guards who broke up the fight this letter. Sanchez hates Betty and she sent this letter for me outside of the prison. Betty is going to find you. She does not understand or appreciate your humor. She socked me in the eye and screamed that if I find Pumkinhead we won’t be talking. He reminds me of this kiss-ass I think I hate.

Betty’s cronies are watching everything I do. One of them works in the hospital ward and she’s been asking for that letter to you. So at the end of her shift I gave her the one with your brothers address on it. You know Davis the state cop.

Sanchez searched her, found the letter and took it. She said I gave it to her to mail. I denied it and Sanchez believed me. Sanchez said that since I only have three days left in here she would see if she could keep me out of general population.

My eye hurts and I look like shit. You owe me big time. I decided that I’m going home to my parents after I get out of here and see if finishing high school is an option. No more forties with your dumbass. Don’t write back. Don’t come to see me while I’m in here. You better let your brother know.

I don’t remember that shelter workers name. I racked my brain. No wait his name was Carol. But they called him Sarge. And we used to call him Carol and it would piss him off and he would write us up for disrespecting staff. When Glenn called you, Abe and me into his office. He asked us why we were in there and you told him why and Carol walked past Glenn’s office and we laughed at him. Glenn wrote us up and we left that weekend to see Gwar at Rex’s Bar.

Yeah, the arrest was for Failure to pay fines. There was a warrant out for my arrest
You win: I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. I’M GOING TO BED.Bunny


P.S. It’s a T.Rex Dance you dumby. (Sic)

P.P.S. You only have that one dance you do where you look like Ian Curtis. You don’t even remember it and you make me remind you how to do it. You’re such a loser.


Hey Bunny,

Whatever.

Pumkinhead

The following letters were present as well. It appears as though Betty got an address and sent a letter to Davis FussFuss. This letter is edited slightly for comprehension.


Bubbles.

You have disrespected my table. You’re loud irrelevance has made me hate you. I will find you and when I finish you’ll never walk again let alone throw eggs at peaceful people who have found solace in [their] way life. You could come to the prison if you have the balls. Five minutes in my presence will result in a four and a half-minute beat down. Shut your mouth you stupid, dumbass punk. I hope you deside to come to me for your beat down. I pray this every night.
Betty

Bubbles
You need to tell me where that girl went. She’s mine and I will find the two of you. I own her and, well, your ass is mine. Get that through your head; I will not repeat myself. You write back to me in three days or I will break out of here and find you. I seem to have your address. And this shitty place can’t hold me forever.
Betty

Also included was an article concerning a prison break and a note from Davis, and a letter never sent.

Bubbles
I wanted you to have this article. I assume an angry young woman came to see me at my house. You have to deal with this so you can stay with me for a while. She is determined to find you. Maybe this will work into a good thing for you. You are in charge. Hope to hear from you soon.
Davis FussFuss

Bunny
Today I found forty bucks walking out of Davis’house. I also ran into Betty. It seems as though the she found me. I gave her the forty bucks and she and the Ubervegan kicked the shit out of me stomping me for about way too long. They broke my arm and a few ribs. Davis threw me out and called me a shit and I got what I deserve. He said I was a shit.

I got me. I wish I knew where to write to you to send this. Abe got caught sleeping at the university library again. I’ve got me.

(unsigned)