Dear Tropicana, Inc., a Division of PepsiCo:

This morning, eager for a jolt of vitamin C from a tasty citrus beverage, I bought a 16.9 oz. carton of Tropicana Homestyle w/ "Lots of Pulp" orange juice. I just plain love pulp. I figured it would be a delicious and nutritious complement to my Cajun Andouille Sausage Breakfast Wrap. Sadly, the breakfast wrap was cold and a little runny, but that's hardly your fault and not really the point of this missive.

When I attempted to open the carton, I was dismayed to find that the opening was not well perforated, and apparently, the PepsiCo corporation or its packaging subsidiary would prefer that I use a straw to drink my orange juice, based on the message instructing me to “please use a straw on the side” I discovered. The fourth grader in me thought, "Ooh, what fun! Maybe I'll drink it with my Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Galactic Battlestation Bendy Straw." Sadly, though, I'm about to celebrate my 33rd birthday, and am likely far too old to be seen drinking out of a Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Galactic Battlestation Bendy Straw. Opening the carton from the other end yielded the same sad, shredded cardboard result, rendering my beverage undrinkable from its original enclosure.

I might understand your arbitrary requirement for using a straw if a straw were attached to the carton, but that wasn’t the case. It seems the default drinking method of the 16.9 oz. carton of Tropicana Homestyle orange juice mandates the use of third-party hardware. I won’t bore you with the details of how I was forced to take my shredded carton into my kitchen, find a 16-oz. cup, carefully pour my orange juice into said cup (taking extreme caution not to spill, which is harder to do considering the state of the carton at this point), pausing the pouring procedure to partake of an ounce or so of orange juice, then pouring the rest in (since, as Sir Isaac Newton once said, “You can’t pour 16.9 ounces of juice into a 16 ounce container, dummy!”). Suffice it to say, I was less than pleased with the amount of trouble that went into it. I’ll concede that it was still easier than planting an orange tree, fertilizing it, pruning it, harvesting the oranges, squeezing said oranges, picking out the seeds, etc., but come on, this is the twenty-first century, and opening a box of OJ shouldn’t require so much planning.

Now, I realize that a straw is a simple utensil, and with the proper training, one can easily learn how the laws of atmospheric pressure will force liquids up through the plastic tube and into one’s mouth. However, I still vastly prefer the traditional method of tilting a carton and letting gravity take over. In citrus beverage containers, as in life, I hold to the maxim that simplicity is the ideal default. Further, when drinking orange juice with “Lots of Pulp” (and I will admit, you are truthful in your description regarding the amount of pulp in your product), the pulp-to-juice ratio enjoyed when using a straw leaves much to be desired when compared to the “classic” method of beverage ingestion.

I understand that some people might enjoy using a straw. Some people put ketchup on their fries; some put it on the side (I, myself, prefer fries without ketchup, but again, that is an inconsequential digression). I humbly beg you to consider offering your patrons a choice when it comes to the way in which they can enjoy a serving or two of Florida’s finest in the morning. I’d hate to have to switch back to vodka.

Sincerely,
Steve